Horoscopes: What scam would the signs fall for?

By Logan Jaspers, March 31 2023—

Sometimes things work out in our favour, but whether it’s due to luck or something that we do unconsciously, only the stars know.

ARIES

(March 21–April 19):

CRA robo-calls: I guess there is something admirable about wanting to pay more taxes — you are living proof that the education system needs the funding, after all.

TAURUS

(April 20–May 20):

The Nigerian Prince: You’re in luck — next time you go to visit your grandparents, you’ll have the perfect conversation starter, since I’m pretty sure they fell for this one too.

GEMINI

(May 21–June 20):

Ponzi scheme: Playing hot potato when you’re a kid was an alright way to pass the time, but that doesn’t mean you should base your finances on it.

CANCER

(June 21–July 22):

Catfishing: We’ve all swiped right on some people that we regret, but did you seriously not have any doubts when they asked you for ten $50 Apple gift cards?

LEO

(July 23–August 22):

Timeshares: Look, if you wanted a nice dinner or to go on vacation, you realize you could have just paid for that directly, right?

VIRGO

(August 23–September 22):

Sketchy ads: Your browser history is a wasteland, completely uninhabitable for human life. Please clear it.

LIBRA

(September 23–October 22):

Phishing emails: The way I see it, the scammer was doing you a favour — by giving up your password to your Twitter account, you now have no excuse not to quit!

SCORPIO

(October 23–November 21):

Overly-friendly mysterious texts: Hate to be the one to break it to you, but that person you’ve been texting who just so happened to “accidentally” text the wrong person but turned out to be friendly…they’re not actually interested in being your friend.

SAGITTARIUS

(November 22–December 21):

Cryptocurrency: Well, it could be worse. Just buy the dip, I’m sure the line will go up again. And hey, it’s not the end of the world — you could’ve bought an NFT or something.

CAPRICORN

(December 22–January 19):

NFTs: Ooh, yikes. This one is pretty much indefensible. Please tell me you at least didn’t buy one of the ridiculous ape ones?

AQUARIUS

(January 20–February 18):

Astroturfing: For future reference, Amazon users with the username “NotA_CorporateMarketer94” are probably not the most reliable reviewers of a given product.

PISCES

(February 19–March 20):

Pyramid schemes: Think of it this way — you now have a great reason to go on Facebook and reconnect with that old friend of yours from high school who you’ve been missing lately. I’m sure they’ll love whatever you’re selling.

This article is part of our humour section.