Classroom Alpha: A guide to dominating your classes
By Ayesha Kamran and Rabia Salman, November 6 2024—
Disclaimer: This article is meant to evoke some laughter to brighten your day. Please do not try these in real life. We are not liable for the consequences.
Do you get agitated when a full moon is approaching? Is there an animalistic, Taylor Lautner coded energy flowing deep within your veins? Are you looking for ways to wield and express the beast inside? Well, look no further. Here are 10 ways you can channel your inner alpha in the university classroom:
1. Dominate in the moonlight by mastering the art of smoldering
Be the last to enter the lecture hall and lean on the door as you gaze upon the class, giving your best Flynn Rider-esquesmoulder. An alpha should always enter their territory in a dominant state.
2. Channel that main character energy #AlphaLoveStory
An alpha needs their mate for character development. Therefore, you should always gaze into the eyes of every student in class—like you’re in a Netflix drama—in hopes of finding your mate. Once you discover them, give them a cute nickname—something quintessential like “Nessie,” following in the footsteps of Alpha Jacob from Twilight.
3. Spread that scent alpha
Make sure to change your seat daily to ensure your scent is spread across the class, marking your territory. This reminds your pack–your classmates–who the Alpha is.
4. Be the alpha They Need, Not the One They Want
Run to help your pack even if they are not struggling with anything. A true alpha is a ‘know-it-all’ who loves to provide opinions, especially when not asked.
5. Professor? More like beta– stick to your roots and growl
Make sure to growl at your professors to assert dominance and let them know who the true alpha of the class is.
6. Make ignorance a shared experience
Constantly raise your hand in class, asking questions that are clearly answered and can easily be found in the course outline. As an alpha, your lack of awareness deserves to become everyone’s problem.
7. Silent mode is for betas
Keep your phone ringer on during exams, especially those that count for 50 per cent of your grade. If you, as an alpha, can’t pass, then neither can anyone else.
8. Education can wait, gossip can’t
Make sure to have loud conversations with your friends during lectures—especially those at 8 am—because that’s the prime time to assert your leadership. Show your dominance; socializing is far more important than an education that costs thousands.
9. An Alpha’s guide to school supply shopping on a budget
Expand your stationery collection by “borrowing” your classmates’ pencils—especially the ones that look expensive—and never returning them. An alpha’s top priority is always hunting and gathering.
10. What did you say? I can’t hear you over the sound of my own voice
Leave your mic on during online lectures and interrupt your classmates during discussions. As alpha, only your voice should dominate the traffic of sound.
We hope these helped you reconnect with your inner alpha, and as always, keep calm and growl on.
This article is part of our humour section.