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Hydroponic grow-op discovered in plant biology department

By Derek Baker, October 3 2017 —

Some student researchers in the University of Calgary’s plant biology program have been pursuing a slightly different form of higher education. After receiving an anonymous tip — and observing smokey haze emanating from the basement of Biological Sciences — Campus Security has shut down an extensive on-campus hydroponic cannabis network.

“Our suspicions were first raised when many of our plant biology students started looking higher than their grades,” plant biology professor Maddy Maple said. “We became even more concerned when we overheard a few students arranging meetings in ‘Lab 420’ after lectures.”

There is, in fact, no Lab 420. What the students were referring to was likely a room where several undergraduate researchers conducted their summer research project.  

It was also noted that sales at many food vendors across campus have gone up five per cent, particularly at vendors like Bake Chef. This clued campus security to further investigate.

Fourth-year plant biology student Oscar Orchid admitted to being part of the project. He said that the experiment’s original intent was create new strains of the plant — “for medicinal purposes, obviously.”

“Yeah, we even got NSERC funding and everything,” Orchid said. “You know, with the federal government being weed-happy and all, it wasn’t ever a concern.”

Orchid went on to promote his project. The complex setup of water valves, fertilizers and optimal light and dark cycles created “the best stuff out there. No, seriously man, seriously.”

“This some real dank shit. Do you want a hit?” he said before being escorted out of the building by Campus Security.

Maple, also a supervisor for the project, said she probably didn’t look over the application with enough scrutiny, largely because her attention over the past few months been devoted to trying to save the crumbling department.

“I saw that they already had funding. That’s about as far as I looked, really,” Maple said. “Please register in our courses. Please.”

Despite the negative publicity this discovery could cause, members of administration and faculty are not overly concerned, nor do they plan on issuing any academic or non-academic misconducts to the students. They released the following statement in regards to the grow-op:

“In lines with our strategic plan, the University of Calgary is glad to see our students with the highest of eyes, pursuing the highest form of education. How do you turn this voice-to-text app off? End statement. Okay, I think it’s off. Hey, pass the bong.”

This article is part of our humour section.

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