By Frankie Hart, November 4 2019 —
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You’ll be surprised to hear the call of some chickadees while out and about. With great effort, you’ll resist the temptation to inform your friends that chickadees are technically tits. Good job.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
During one of your regular sessions of eating garbage, you will be accompanied by a pigeon! It’s always nice to make friends.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
While on a brisk walk across campus, you will accidentally kick something. You’ll look down and catch a glimpse of a teeny, tiny, wittle baby deer mouse sadly peering up at you before it scurries away. What the hell, dude.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
In the middle of an intense cram sesh in TFDL, you’ll gaze longingly out the window and see it — a magnificent magpie. What I wouldn’t give to live that free, you’ll think to yourself. Suddenly, it will turn to look at you, eyes peering into you, through you. Or… aren’t those your eyes? You’ll stare back and realize you got your wish, and have switched bodies with the bird. Now is your time to finally live the life you’ve always wanted. As a bird.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You’ll follow a mysterious rabbit to a mysterious hole in the MacKimmie construction. You’ll follow it down the hole, which seems to go on forever until you’ll finally land in… is this biological sciences? Oh god, what is that…
(March 21 – April 19)
Finally heading home after a long day, you’ll see something strange in the light of a full moon. The large, hunched figure will peer at you from afar before scampering off. After carefully trailing it across campus, you’ll eventually catch up and see it up close — a giant rabbit, inexplicably holding a phone. You have found the admin of the @uofcbunbuns Instagram.
(April 20 – May 20)
Still feeling the Halloween spirit, you and your friends will decide to attempt alchemy using supplies in the biological sciences building. It will go terribly wrong, and it seems that the campus will have a new creature roaming in it.
(May 21 – June 20)
You’ll be minding your own business when a deer will decide to just straight-up kick you in the dick. You can attribute this to Saturn.
(June 21 – July 22)
Much like a squirrel, your professor says, you are “barking up the wrong tree” by contesting their grading on your midterm. Also much like a squirrel, you will turn to a life of foraging and harvesting, for you clearly don’t have a future in academia.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
You’ll spot a coyote from afar — what is it that it’s doing? Oh, it’s just vibing. Nice. You’ll continue with your day.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
While en route to TFDL with your friends, a sparrow will swoop down and perch on your shoulder. “Oh wow, that must be good luck!” your friends will insist. Then, the sparrow will take a fat dump on your shoulder and take off. Little will you know, that is good luck. Congratulations.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Despite having never seen one on campus before, a belligerent goose will harass you, knocking your hot coffee out of your hands onto your pants. What the fuck!