Opinions & Features Workshop (Oct 26th)

Photo by Valery Perez

Horoscopes: Back 2 school

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, September 17 2021—

We’re finally coming back to campus. What do the stars see happening to you? 

Virgo

(August 22 – September 22)

Remember to pack three masks in your backpack for any emergency. Some might say this is overkill but you never know what might happen. 

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Your precious home-to-work balance has been thrown off and now you have to quickly re-organize yourself. Don’t overwhelm yourself with planners and alarms. 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 22)

You have all your outfits planned out according to your daily activities and the weather.  But since we live in Calgary, there’s always the chance of the weather doing a 180-degree turn and ruining your outfit rotation. Remember, it’s ok to wing it sometimes. 

Sagittarius

(November 23 – December 21)

The start of in-person classes has ignited a fire underneath you and now you have a new sense of motivation. You’ve memorized all the routes to your classes and even have escape routes in case you need to get out. Make sure not to hum the Mission Impossible theme too loud while you’re making your way around since others can hear you.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

Your semester will be off to a good start but then you’ll notice that everyone gives you weird looks here and there. Turns out you have been colour blind all this time and your clothes do not match in the slightest. Hopefully you can find someone to pre-approve your outfits before heading out to the Den.

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 19)

Being in Zoom classes for so long has left a mark on you. Since the move to in-person lectures, you can’t repeat your usual ritual of deep breaths while doing the downward dog position in preparation for class — especially in the middle of Science Theatres — without getting weird looks. You should find a new ritual if you want to avoid awkward stares.

Pisces

(February 20 – March 20)

You have a mix of online and in-person classes so you try to keep up with setting your computer at one of the designated zoom lecture spaces while being prepared to run to your lecture class and make it on time. Much to your annoyance, all of your in-person classes are far from any space you set yourself up for Zoom lectures. Maybe after this semester you can join the track team since you’ll have tons of practice under your belt.

Aries

(March 21 – April 20)

Not wanting to miss out on anything new, you decide to sign up for every club and group you see and promise to come to the first event for each of them. Once you start to put all the meet-ups and first events in your calendar, you will see that you’ve double- and triple-booked yourself. 

Taurus

(April 21 – May 20)

You won’t be able to avoid people now that more things are open and classes are in-person. It’s time to face the angry group members you left out to dry over the last year but at least you still have your mask to hide your emotions so they can’t tell how scared you are. If this is your first year, don’t leave your group members hanging.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 21)

You’ll try to make new friends by sitting next to people and start chatting them up but others are still wary of COVID so don’t take it personally if they get up and move away from you. Maybe try finding a new strategy.

Cancer

(June 22 – July 22)

Being back on campus brings back too many memories that you’ve started tearing up a little at seeing your old hangout spots. If this is your first year on campus, you will tear up from the excitement or anxiety, maybe both.

Leo

(July 23 – August 21)

Being back on campus means you can dress to impress again. You will have outfits and conversation starters planned out for the whole semester. You’ll forget that you’re here for an education and syllabus week will fly by you. 

This article is part of our humour section.


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