By Logan Jaspers, October 20 2022—
On Oct. 19, the University of Calgary’s IT team’s Department of Paranormal Affairs (UCITDPA) held a short but disturbing press conference addressing the recent Wi-Fi outages in the Earth Sciences building.
Senior Phantom Management Director Max Phearson announced that the UCITDPA believes that the connectivity issues stem from interference by ghosts.
“After an exhaustive review of the Earth Sciences building and its premises, my team and I have concluded that recent difficulties connecting to the Wi-Fi are because the Earth Sciences building is haunted.”
After a momentary pause, filled by the audible gasps of those in attendance, Phearson resumed. “The Department [of Paranormal Affairs] is currently working on solutions for internet connectivity, including solutions that could evict specters from the Earth Sciences building.”
To coordinate this response, Phearson announced the formation of the Department of Paranormal Affairs Earth Sciences Haunting Task Force (UCITDPAESHTF), which he described as crucial to resolving this crisis.
Phearson stipulated that it is presently unknown to the UCITDPAESHTF whether Earth Sciences is haunted by one or multiple ghosts. Likewise, Phearson is uncertain how ghosts could disrupt the internet and why ghosts chose Earth Sciences, though he speculated that “the basement is sufficiently cloistered off from the rest of campus that it functions as a makeshift dungeon.”
Despite significant media fanfare, Phearson quickly ended the presser without taking questions or providing evidence of paranormal activity occurring.
Analytics from the bookstore have shown that since it became clear that the internet connectivity issues are here to stay, purchases of pen and paper have increased by 73 per cent, likely because many frustrated students are resorting to “traditional” methods of note-taking.
One baffled student, Nolan Mason, said to the Gauntlet, “Who’s the university trying to fool? Do they think I’m five — that I’m just gonna believe in scary ghosts? I pay expensive tuition and they spend it on a Department of Para-whatever task force? Get outta here with this bureaucratic mumbo jumbo. It’s a waste of my money and my patience.
“I have Zoom classes three times a week at 11 in the morning that I can’t connect to and my professor has a Victorian grasp of the internet, so if something goes wrong, the lecture is completely gone,” Mason continued. “I have no choice but to attend and the connection issues have made that needlessly difficult.”
However, this consternation is not universal among U of C students. Gloria Neolenberg, a fourth year Metaphysical Studies major, condemned what she perceives as widespread “phantomphobia” on campus.
“Just because they’ve transcended the human conception of mortality doesn’t make them any less deserving of a roof over their heads. We’ll just have to learn to live together,” she said.
When reached out by the Gauntlet for comment, representatives for the ghosts potentially occupying the Earth Sciences basement declined to answer.
This article is part of our humour section.